WTF—We Have To Practice Sexual Mindfulness Now Too?

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

Maybe Gwyneth started it with her whole ‘This Candle Smells Like My Vagina’ thing.

Or perhaps this is yet another example of Gen Z fueling newfound lust for “Ethical Hedonism”—because apparently, “woke sex” needed a rebrand. They are all after a generation that considers having to define their sexual orientation an assault on their identity, and for whom asking a new love interest (or even a casual acquaintance) to reveal their “body count” is like asking what their favorite ice cream is.

Which I’ll hazard a guess is not vanilla.

As part of a generation of women finally deciding to live and love on our terms, I believe we’ve entered our sexual empowerment phase. Forget the quiet girl era. I’m in my loud libido hour—come join me.

Because let’s face it: we’ve pretty much raised our kids, ended unhappy marriages, and are feeling stronger and sexier than ever—despite the fact we’ve lost collagen, estrogen, and any semblance of patience for men who can’t find the G-spot.

Whatever the reason, somehow the woo-woo mindfulness trend has found its way into the bedroom.

But before you lament the fact that you haven’t even mastered a daily mind meditation, journaling, or mindfulness practice—which involves training your brain to become aware of and live in the present moment—hear me out.

We’re all guilty of journeying mindlessly through our lives, almost missing the entire thing as our minds race with a never-ending to-do list while we numb ourselves, our insecurities, and forgotten trauma with a bottle of Chardonnay. Or Pinot if you’re more of a red type. So maybe all the yogis and spiritual wellness gurus are, in fact, onto something.

If practicing mindfulness means waking up and savoring every precious little moment, why shouldn’t that mantra apply to your body, relationships, and sex drive?

To be fair, I understand that feeling like a sexual goddess 24/7 isn’t exactly easy during early motherhood, midlife, or if you’re in a dead-end marriage. Even if your marriage isn’t dead and you still like your husband, most of us aren’t putting on our fancy crotchless knickers and tying the man you’ve been married to for decades to the bed most nights.

Indeed, the facts are rather grim. A 2025 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine revealed that nearly 40% of married couples over 40 report living in “low-sex” or “sexless” households.

To which I say, get yourself a vibrator (or two). Confession: I never got myself a self-pleasuring sidekick until I was in my 40s and my marriage had combusted. But I’m here to tell you it’s never too late. And your future self and toe-curling orgasms will thank you. Not that I’m suggesting you still shouldn’t enjoy pleasure with a partner—indeed, throwing a vibrating plaything into the mix will take the eroticism to a whole new level.

Stepping fully into your sexual power and finally having the best sex of your life (together or alone) involves more than just logging onto Goop and adding Gwyneth’s best-selling Viva La Vulva vibrator to your cart. It’s about embracing sexual mindfulness with the same gusto you did when you discovered actual sex in the first place.

What Is Sexual Mindfulness?

Sexual mindfulness, according to the sex gurus, is about giving yourself permission to feel worthy of love and great sex and to let go of any feelings of shame. A stumbling block, I’ll also hazard a guess, that plagues many Gen X women. Instead of just getting the job done or doing everything in your power to avoid it, it’s about considering sex as an invitation to explore the mystery while being fully present in the moment. Translation: not thinking about the fucking grocery list, the kids’ sports schedule, and whether your tits look saggy.

Instead, commit to immersing yourself in the physical and emotional sensations you’re experiencing—again, whether you have another human being present or not. Basically, get the hell out of your head and into your body. Dare I say it, like a man. You think they’re obsessing over whether they fed the dog or the state of their dad bod while going down on you?

Strip back the stress of day-to-day life and the clothes (Adam and Eve were obviously naked for a reason), and we’re all scientifically wired to be sexual creatures. And there’s no denying that feeling sexual feels pretty friggin’ powerful—that neuro-chemical cocktail of feeling turned on makes us feel more alive, confident, and in control.

And if nothing else, sex is good for your health. To quote my fellow Substacker Gigi Engle, author, educator, and certified sex therapist, writer of The G-Spot, "Pleasure is not a luxury; it is a vital sign. When we talk about sex being 'good for your health,' we usually point to the calorie burn or the cardiovascular hit, but the real medicine is in the neurochemical reset. A mindful orgasm lowers cortisol, floods the system with oxytocin, and acts as a natural anti-inflammatory for the soul. In an age of burnout, sexual pleasure is the ultimate biohack for longevity and mental clarity." —

Now, if that’s also an invitation to join the longevity movement, I don’t know what is.

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

We Didn’t Burn Our Bras For Nothing

If burning our bras was the first step toward female empowerment, it’s time to take the next step in the revolution. So if you haven’t already, give yourself permission to join the new breed of feminists who are going all in on sexy lingerie, sex toys, and owning their sexual desires, but more importantly, their bodies.

We only need to look at the lingerie brands that unapologetically disrupted the intimates market to serve up sexuality with style and support, inclusive sizing, a dizzying assortment of colors, luxe fabrics, and, most importantly, clever, comfortable construction. For your sensual pleasure, there are now adjustable straps on the front, seamless, wire-free options, and endless smoothing and sculpting.

Love her or hate her, we owe a debt of gratitude to Kim Kardashian and her Skims—now a $4 billion behemoth—for normalizing the “shapewear as outerwear” movement and proving that compression can coexist with a high-key sexual aesthetic. Coming in hot on Kim K’s lingerie parade is Sydney Sweeney—read my interview with her here—whose sultry new line, Syrn, is designed to provide “unfiltered bombshell energy” for every cup size. Talk about a Gen Z main character energy power move—I’m a fan of The Showoff Plunge Bra.

She’s not wrong, though. One of the first things I did when I found myself suddenly single in my early 40s—after that psych ward visit anyway—was level up my lingerie game. Fast.

“Sexuality and sensuality are for everyone; no one should feel intimidated in a lingerie store or be wearing pieces that are uncomfortable, restricting, or the wrong size,” says Sapna Palep, M.D., MBA, co-CEO and owner of Journelle, a luxe multi-brand lingerie store whose entire mission is to bring sexy to every day. So, naturally, in addition to bras and knickers, they have an entire sexual pleasure category, complete with sex toys.

In case you’re interested, for those of us blessed with more than a handful, the search for 'sexy with structure' for me begins and ends with ‘The Scoop’ Bra by Cuup and Skims Smoothing Intimates Full Coverage Bra.

Smash Through The Sexual Ceiling

Sadly, many women—and I’m generalizing here—were raised in an era where there was a lot of shame surrounding sex and intimacy, our bodies, and their natural urges. “It’s time to shine a light on what is holding us back sexually and know that we don’t have to define our sexual experiences anymore,” says Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D. (best known as Dr. Jenn), intimacy expert, sex coach, and author of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women as well as Intimacy Dispatches on Substack.

The first step in breaking free, says Dr. Jenn, is to reflect on the messages you received in childhood and your early experiences around sexuality, body image, and intimacy, and recognize that these don’t work for you today. Next, examine your current relationships: What are your patterns? When do you shut down? When do you want to numb or distract yourself? Mindfulness is about taking ownership of those interpretations and your emotions, and where you feel them. Then opening up with your partner and speaking from a place of vulnerability and authenticity, and creating a safe space for your partner to do the same.

Finally, critique your sexual encounters mindfully. Do you have body image concerns or performance anxiety? Maybe you’re worried it’s taking too long for you to come. You can acknowledge these thoughts, then choose to bring yourself back to the moment with your partner—that’s when you experience real emotional intimacy, and that in itself is very sexy.

Conscious-Sexual-Coupling

Cultivating sexual mindfulness and engaging in a sensual, intimate experience is the opposite of “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.” In fact, it doesn’t even have to involve sex. Start a sexual encounter by just looking into each other’s eyes and breathing in sync for a couple of minutes, and then lightly start touching each other’s arms and face. Any time you notice that you’re distracted (or afraid of feeling this vulnerable), acknowledge that thought or feeling and bring your focus back to your five senses and the emotional connection you’re sharing with yourself at that moment.

Hey, don’t know it until you try it.

Over time, you can bring this level of awareness into experiencing pleasure and giving pleasure, asking for what you want, being curious about their needs without shame or blame, and enjoying yourself and each other more. Now look at passion levels. Are you lacking desire? Feeling neglected or pushed? Many people don’t feel horny when they’re stressed or not feeling present or confident in their sexual body. If that’s the case, try a melting hug; hold each other while taking deep breaths together, and literally feel your chests melting together. This creates a little sacred moment to prioritize connection in your relationship. Sexual feelings will grow from there—we promise.

Masturbation Is The New Meditation

And thankfully, the sex toy industry has also undergone an awakening and is meeting us where we are. Along with Goop, Dame is a sexual wellness brand created by a sexologist who aims to inspire women to take matters into their own hands to end the “pleasure gap”. Aka the disparity that has long existed between women and men around sexual pleasure.

Unsurprisingly, Dr. Jenn is also an advocate for masturbation. And, well, there’s no argument here. Her advice here is to slow down, explore your body more, and experiment with new sex toys. That way, you may learn some new things about your sexual responsiveness. And let’s face it, once you intimately know your erogenous zones and what really gets you off, you’ll be able to explain it easily and guilt-free to your partner.

Also busy sounding the horn for sexual health wellness is Diana Leon, M.D., FACOG, an obstetrician-gynecologist who offers a revolutionary, non-invasive treatment at her N.Y. clinic. Get this: The ‘treatment’ incorporates soundwaves to change how women orgasm, making sex more enjoyable, less painful, and improving orgasm frequency and intensity. “So many women who don’t orgasm and enjoy a full sex life and are embarrassed to address it, are worried that there is no solution, or that the solution involves an invasive procedure,” says Dr. Leon.

Well, if all that has you all hot and steamy, go forth and get jiggy. Here’s to having more mind-blowing, mindful sex.

Or at least getting back in the game.